"But when you are hungry, the Food Network's like porn..."

I think Jim Gaffigan is the funniest person on the planet.

I don't intend for this entry to be a shameless plug for a fellow Region Rat (he is originally from Chesterton), but dang, the guy is hilarious!

"WARNING! You just bought Hot Pockets! Hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer!"

He is coming to Merrillville in August and I would sell my future first born child to go see him. I can type up quotes until my fingers fall off, but seriously, his facial expression and the little side voice that he does to imitate the audience's thoughts is unable to be conveyed through written words!

"I love our holiday traditions, like the Christmas tree, where we chop down a tree and we put it in our living room. Kinda sounds like the behavior of a drunk man. Some woman wakes up, "Honey, why is there a... a... pine tree... in our living room?" "I like it! We're gonna- we're gonna decorate it... for Jesus... And then I'm gonna hang my socks over the fireplace... fill 'em with candy... maybe I'll tie some leaves to the ceiling, see if I can get some action... and then I'm gonna puke on that couch... Merry Christmas."

"You know that Cinnabon odor? Like you're walking through the mall, and you're like "What's that smell? Aww I just got a cavity! Damn Cinnabon!"

"You can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: "This city's got big buildings, I like food, bye."

I'll admit that I read Jim Gaffigan quotes on my laptop during summer school. It's a necessity for my damn sanity. I don't understand why some people take summer courses by choice! Nothing thrilled me more than realizing that I am paying 95 cents a minute as I am simultaneously praying to get out of class early. There is absolutely no way to make that into a winning situation.

"Don't worry you know God has a sense of humor 'cause he was talking to Moses as a burning bush. Burning bush? Can you imagine if you were the first person Moses told about that:
"Yeah, God just talked to me as a burning bush"
..."Sure he did...Uh Moses, we think maybe you've been burnin some bush."

Kid client quote of the day:
Me (female): We have the same initials! Our first and last names start with the same letters.
8 year old male client: Really?!? Is your middle name Joseph too??